Clutching On
by 0XOX Walking Flame
Summary: Hi, I'm back. Cricket circket yeah, whatever, nobody cares. Anywaaaaay, More disapointment, heartbreaks, and all those stuffs. Yeah, review!
1. The beginning, or the end?

A/N: Yeah, I'm back. I know I said that I'd stop writing, but I had a really good idea, and I just wanted to put it down on fanfic.

It's pretty much the same thing that I posted on the MC twilight board, I just changed it a little. Hope you like it.

Anyway, I changed it after I read the review. And ppl, I did not purposly copy's anyone's fanfic! There's a lot of repeated ideas and sentences out there. I can't promise the It won't be repeated. Like "The silence is killing me." I can't promise that nobody else's fic has the same thing! You stop blaming me for repeated sentences and ideas. And the quote, "I can't even buy you a cup of coffee." Um, I don't know, didn't SweetestReject get the from Meg Cabot too? So why are you ppl blaming me for everything!

I stood there waiting. He had shut me out again. Please don't. Don't do this to me Jesse. You know that we were meant to me. So _why_?

Memory-

God. The silence is killing me.

Nothing.

Nothing.

The room was quite, except Jesse's muttering.

He slowly turned to look me in the eye. No. Please...

I quickly looked away.

He lifted my chin up, so I could face him. "Tell me, querida..."

I blinked my tears away. No. Not that question.

"...do you love me."

I slowly shook my head. No! That is something I could not, dared not, answer. Because I didn't know the answer myself.

"Damn it! How can you explain this! How can you explain _Her_!" He cursed.

I shook my head again. I looked at the sleeping Jessica Slater. Yes. _Slater_. I don't how what happened either. She just showed up at me door. And called my her mother.

Jesse was the first to know.

"I-I-" I quickly shutted my mouth. I have nothing to say. No reason. No excuses. Nothing.

Silence.

He quickly dematerialized. Maybe this is was I needed. To be alone. To think.

_Mother. Why doesn't he care? He hate me, doesn't me._

I read Jessica's thoughts. She had heard the whole thing.

I was seventeen. Not a mother.

_He does._

I sighed. He doesn't. He didn't even was her. He didn't except her.

I wiped away my tears. "J-Jess, why don't you stay here and s-sleep." My voice shook. "I'll go and talk to your father about this."

6 months later...

I wanted Jesse. I NEEDED him. But he didn't feel the same about me. I don't believe any of this. I'll NEVER going to believe. I've lost hope. Everything died within me. I didn't know how to love anymore. Jesse....he didn't want me. He NEVER wanted me. It was a lie. All of it. The kiss, the queridas, none of it was real.

We haven't talked for 6 months. I cried out for him. He was not there. I needed him. He was not there. He's never there anymore. He didn't care anymore. But I never believed that it was over. That he didn't care. That all that means nothing. We never had a real goodbye. He just left me.

And so I stood here, at the rectory. Waiting for Jesse to answer. To accept the answer that I have to give to him. This is the first time that we talked for 6 months. Ever since the day Jessica Slater showed up at my door.

It was dark and cold. Too dark, too cold. I stood outside, waiting.

"Who is it?" I bolted up at Jesse's voice. His sweet, caring voice. His happy, cheery voice. His confused voice. His angry, painful voice. His sad, desperate voice. Hoping, wishing, wanting me to say yes. Yes I loved him.

His regular voice.

"Jesse." I squeaked. "Please, we need to talk."

"Susannah?" His voice was mixed up. Caring, sweet, confused, happy, angry, painful, sad, desperate.

"Please let me in." I cried.

"There is nothing to talk about. It's over. Over between us." I couldn't tell from his voice anymore. "We were never meant to be. You were _alive_!"

"That means nothing!" I sobbed. "It meant nothing to me. And it still doesn't mean anything to me!"

"It means everything in the world Susannah." He said my name so softly, so caringly, that it was impossible not to care. "You deserved better! Slater was right. I couldn't give you anything. Nothing. I can't even buy you a cup of coffee."

"But I lo-"

He cut me off, before I could say the L word. "It was a lie. All of it. You never truly did love me. Slater was all you wanted. Not me. Never me. It was all a lie. A lie." I could tell the pain in his voice. "You deserved so much more."

"I deserved you! I wanted you!" I sobbed. Don't do this to me Jesse! You know. You know too well who I wanted.

"It's over between us! All over!" I felt his voice toughen up. I've lost. It's over. There are only so much memory that I could grasp onto. And he wanted me to let go. Because he'd let go already.

Headache. Splitting headache.

Jesse. The kiss. At the hospital. At the graveyard. It meant something. I was sure of it. I was clutching on. Still holding on.

I let go.

And I collapsed on the floor.

I slowly opened my eyes. It was so warm inside. I could make out the shape on the place I was. The rectory, where Jesse now lived.

I heard the door open, and I closed my eyes.

Jesse's voice. "Oh Susannah. You have no idea how much I've wanted you. I wanted _us_. But I am died, and you are alive. You deserved so much more. I have nothing to give you. And when I found out about Jessica, I split. You have no idea how much I wanted for us to be, but there was nothing I could do to change the future. And the future is you and Slater. Jessica is so much prof for that. But memories. No matter how much you want to give up. I'm still clutching on. On to the memories. I love you Susannah, and I alway will..."

Hope.

There was still _hope_...

Yes, I know. That was really stupid. That was sad. But sad only makes it better right? Right?

Now, you only have to review. I think I might add a second chapter to this. It's probably going to be pointless, I might explain about Jessica or something. Buuuuut...I don't know, I think it's pretty much perfect the way it is. Right?


	2. The Past

Okay, so I'm writing a second chappie I guess. I've noticed that the more I write, the worse I get! What the hell! I reread some of my early stories, and it didn't even look like I wrote it. Yeah. I get worse everyday. sigh

Anyway, I changed the first chapter after I read the reviews. And ppl, I did not purposly copy's anyone's fanfic! There's a lot of repeated ideas and sentences out there. I can't promise the it won't be repeated. Like "The silence is killing me." I can't promise that nobody else's fic has the same thing! You stop blaming me for repeated sentences and ideas. So please stop blaming me for everything!

And Miss DreamingDucky, when you wrote, "if you don't think you're good enough to write, you shouldn't copy other ppl's sentences." I just wanted to say that I might not write as good as you, but I did not purposly copy anyone's anything! That was really mean to say.

.0.0.

2 months later.

"Father D. Can you tell me more about this future thing."

"Sorry Susannah, but that's as far as my knowledge of the future goes." He said locking up his special mediating box. I was sure that there were more information in that box, but he just isn't telling me. He probably think that the knowledge is too advanced for me. But I bet that he'd show Paul the informations. He put the key in his pocket.

"Father D. I think Sister E wanted to see you earlier somewhere. Um, you should probably go see her." I lied. Ha! I'm such a good lier. Maybe I was lying because I was too desperate to fix everything, and the answer's in the box. I know that it wasn't good to lie, especialy to a priest.

"Okay. You should probably get going too." Father D said leading me out of his office."

"Yes. I think she wanted to meet you at the Priest Church." I said. I knew that it was a 30 minute drive from here to there. It's probably long enough for me to get everything done in time.

"Good bye Susannah." I grinned like a sweet, _sweet_ angel.

I finally managed to sneak into his office again. Ha ha! Who said I'm not slick.

"Do you have a appointment from Father Dominic?" The secretary asked.

"Oh yes." I grinned. "He wanted to see me earlier. But I had to come after my period is over."

"Okay."

I sneaked into Father D's ever so neat office.

"Susannah? What are you doing _here_?"

I jumped half a mile at Jesse's voice. "Jesse? What the hell are _you_ doing here?" Yeah, Jesse, thanks a lot for ruining everthing!

"Father D-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Well, Father D wanted me to get something for him." I said nervously. Too obvious? I moved my way across his office at where he had left the old mediating box. I swiftly picked it up.

I felt Jesse's hand coil around my wrist. "What are you doing Susannah? Father D instructed me to not let anyone touch that box. Especially you, Susannah."

What the HELL! Father D knew that I'd come back for the box! He _knew_! Well, thanks a lot Jesse. For ruining everything. First my life, and now this.

"Um, well, Jesse. Maybe you heard wrong or something. But Father D told _me_ to take the box." So...

"Susannah. Don't lie to me." Jesse shook his head.

"Jesse! Please! I need the box!" I pleaded.

"Susannah." Jesse said holding the box up, out of my reach.

Suddenly, the box popped opened, and everything fell out.

I picked up a peice of paper. I quickly skimmed though it, and it wrote:

_As Dr. Slaski deciphers, it is said that it is _

_possible for us to reach the future. Only one_

_kind of people, called full shifters, may reach _

_into the future._

_Full shifters are rare, and only some worked_

_for the King. The others were for evil. Full _

_shifter has many pathes to pick into the future,_

_and only the strongest full shifters may bring_

_back informations or things from the fut-_

Jesse grabbed my paper out of my hand before I could finish. My breath got kinda caught up for a while. Full shifters. Going to the future. Different pathes. Jessica. Paul.

"Oh my god." Then, I knew the answer. It was clear, all too clear. And Jesse knew, but, didn't know. Now, I know. Everything made sence. "Oh my god. Paul."

.0.0.

"Paul!" I stormed out of the cafeteria.

"Hello Suze." He grinned. "What a pleasant suprise to see you Suze."

"What do you know about full shifters?" I asked angrily. He knew. He knew the answer. He knew that I'd ask him the question someday. And he was ready for it.

He frowned for a moment. "Full shifters?"

"Yes." I stormed. "Full shifters."

"Well, everything. I'm a full shifter. You're a full shifter-"

"Excuse me? What did you just say?" I choked out. I'm a full shifter. _I'm _a full shifter.

"Full shifter is one of the most powerful shifter in the world. They have control on almost everthing." He continued, ignoring me.

"E-_everything_?" This was news to me.

"If you know how to do it. But being a full shifter can be one of the most dangerous thing."

"You did if didn't you." I hissed. He gave me a funny look. "Jessica."

"Jessica? Oh yes, _Jessica_, our baby." He smirked.

"_Your_ baby. You did it. I know what you did."

"I did what?" He asked looking bemused.

"You know what I'm talking about. The future."

"The future? What are you talking about Suze?"

"I'm not stupid anymore." I snapped. " I know you know Jesse knows."

"What?"

"You went into my future. You choosed _your_ future. And brought Jessica back. Because you knew that Jesse knew, but not all of it. You knew that Jesse knows about the future. But he didn't know about full shifters, and what they-"

"We."

"-Could do. You choose your future. You picked the one with us ending up together, not me and Jesse. You knew that it would make Jesse loose hope, and he's leave. That'd leave me with you. But you're wrong! I know. I know about everything. And Jesse is going to know."

"If Jesse gives you a chance to explain, that is." He smirked. He knows something that I don't.

"What? What are you talking about. What did you do to him?"

"You precious Jesse is up there now." He pointed up at the sky. "You're too late. But nice try though."

"No. No. You're lying. Jesse would never leave me! He wouldn't." I felt my cheeks wet. Oh god, I was crying. "Jesse woudn't do that to me. He can't. he just can't!"

"Suze. Get over it. He's died."

"No. He means so much more to me. He would never leave me." I sobbed. "He wouldn't do that to me. He can't. He won't!"

"But he did."

"You are a Lier! He would never!" I threw my fist in his face. "He would never."

It was just so hard to believe that he's gone. So hard to me to accept that it was over. But he's gone, and I knew it. He'd left. But he was still here with me. He'd always be in my heart. Always.

And, I'm still clutching onto memmories....

Hope....

Memmories....


End file.
